Remember when I talked about symptoms of sadness? Well when I said that I felt like crying, I was feeling lost and alone and Jesus was telling me to let it all out. It was during a sermon from my pastor that said that our church should try to be more welcoming and loving as a community and I felt bad for myself because I struggle with the word ‘love’ because I feel like I haven’t been loved by anyone at my church but I want to be a loving person. There’s also someone in my church who doesn’t welcome me at my church and I’m a person that likes to welcome people into my life and I’m very encouraging towards others. I just wanted cry so hard for feeling alone.
Once when I was young, I was crying for a reason that I don’t remember but I did remember my own mother looked at me with disgust as I was crying and she was telling me to stop crying. Ever since then, my pride got in the way of my feelings and I never wanted them to show again because I feel like I shouldn’t be crying.
I didn’t want to let my tears show in that recent moment at my church because I didn’t want anyone to know how selfish I was for wanting attention. Jesus was telling that it’s was okay to start crying and that I shouldn’t keep my feelings in like that and I said no to him. He kept telling that it was okay and I kept telling him no. I end up shutting him out of me at the moment and I put a barrier to block him out. I know now that I shouldn’t have done that but crying may get someone’s attention and if I would try explaining to someone, they may not understand but Jesus understood why I was hurting and still I shut him out. Slamming the door on Jesus is not something I want to make a habit of but it has happened throughout my life and still, Jesus was there to help me. I don’t know how I can avoid a situation where my feelings suddenly want to burst out with with depressing emotions. I don’t know how to let Jesus in again if my emotions are affecting me too much. I can hope that my sad feelings don’t take me over one day but there might come a day where they do again and Jesus will be there with me. I guess no matter what, I will listen my savior to let it all out and if someone will notice that I’m hurting, I may have to let them in as well.